I wrote my last blog post seventeen days ago.
Those past seventeen days have been dedicated to getting my feet back under me, trying to adjust to a lot of changes that I've been confronted with, and preparing myself for the changes that I know are on the horizon.
For the past month, I haven't been feeling well while I've been running. I was pushing myself through it, blaming it on the weather and mental stress, but trying desperately not to blame it on my Crohn's disease. I was diagnosed with a relatively mild case of Crohn's almost two years ago, and while it is a constant thought in the back of my mind on a daily basis, it has never affected my running life to this extent. For the past month, every time I ran, my stomach would retaliate to the point where it was borderline impossible to finish my runs.
The morning of the Holy Half, I woke up knowing that I had fed myself all the right foods, and was praying that my stomach would cooperate.
It didn't.
While the 80° weather didn't help, my stomach wanted no part of that race. Even by mile 3, I wanted to double over in pain because I felt so bad. I parted ways with my running buddy so as not to slow him down anymore than I already had, re-tied my shoes, and started walking. I contemplated simply walking off the route, but the thought pushed me to tears. Literally.
DISCLAIMER: I am not a crier. Let alone a crier in public. Looking back, it wasn't just the thought of not finishing the race that made me a blubbering mess, but it was confronting the reality that running had turned into a source of stress, as opposed to the stress reliever that it once was in my life. I also crumbled knowing that my Crohn's wasn't under control anymore.
Due to my unhealthy stubborn streak, I finished the race. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't fast, but I finished. When I crossed the finish line, I desperately tried to find any of my friends hoping that someone would wait for me. I smiled at people I knew in the buzzing hoards of runners, and almost as soon as I sat down and gave up on trying to find someone, Liza made her way out of the crowd. I hugged her and started crying again (which I'm sure overwhelmed her) but I was just so relieved that I had someone.
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| Thanks, Squish. |
Four days pass. I finally call my doctor to explain my symptoms, and he tells me that I have Runner's Colitis, a condition I'm predisposed to given my Crohn's Disease. He gave me a few suggestions, but I was entirely preoccupied with his first instruction: STOP RUNNING.
It's almost been a week since I've ran, which is the longest I've gone without running in more than a year. I know my body is asking for the break, but not being able to run has forced me to overhaul my daily workouts, trying to find something that will make me feel both fatigued and invigorated. Thankfully, yoga has been a godsend, and my membership is being put to very good use.
I'm trying my hardest not to let it get to me, but my running shoes have been staring at me from the floor of my closet, begging me to take them out. This transition is also coming at a time in my life when I'm looking graduation straight in the face, changing jobs (well, taking a job), and moving halfway across the country. I'm trying to take it in stride (excuse the pun) but it's a process. Thankfully my "no running" prescription is not permanent, but since running has been and integral part of my daily life and overall lifestyle for so long, giving it up cold turkey has not been easy.
After the race, I got a text from Liza saying, "from Katherine (her friend who ran the Holy Half as her first half marathon) FWD: tell your sister she is my running hero and even though I don't know her well I aspire to be a 'runner' like her!"
I keep looking at this to remind myself that just because I can't run right now doesn't mean that I'm any less of a runner. Sure I had a bad race, but I've now completed four half marathons. I don't know when I'll get the go-ahead from my doctor to be an active runner again, but when I do I'll just be thankful that I'm out there. And for now, I'm making really good friends with my manduka eko.
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